Unemployment's Automated Phone System on Meth, Oskri Coconut Bars and The Final Thought for the Day

The Rubriks Cube (on Meth) of Automated Phone Systems

Being unemployed is humiliating the first time it happens.  After that, c'mon people,  you try to figure out ways to supplement the pitiful amount that they give to you, so you don't have to go back to a horrible job at all. 

Yesterday I braved the 800 number for California's EDD.  It has a very complex automated telephone system that is designed to break your spirit, cause a full-on hospitalization required mental breakdown, or, (the best outcome for them) you throw your phone out the window thus preventing any future calls.

The unemployment people chose a clever company to design their system. The deeper you are sucked in to the automated menu, the faster you have to hit right buttons to make your selections.  But much like the orchestrated mindgames played upon Jamie Kennedy or Candid Camera's unsuspecting victims, the system is rigged to make you press numbers so fast that you can't possibly hear what they relate to, if anything at all.

I screwed up.  I hit a button that disconnected me (probably almost all of the selections do that).  But silly, naive me blamed self for not being able to navigate the system. I tried. Again.  

This is when I actually noticed the crazy speed thing and got carried away with a little internal competitiveness - I was going to beat it!!

The truth is,  I couldn't press the buttons fast enough, and my selections, if you can call them that, went nowhere.  OR so I thought.  After coming down from the crescendo of button pushing madness, I think I accidently hit the RIGHT button.   This is one they wanted to me to hit all along (Duh!!!)

Finally a voice, albeit a recorded one (why am I so thankful that I at least reached a recording?): 

"Due to the number of callers in front of you we will not be able to help you today. Please call back another time."

If you want to try it yourself, I suggest taking a valium first (although it will likely inhibit your ability to push any buttons at all) and dial: 800-300-5616.  On the web: http://edd.ca.gov/

My admiration is deep for those who have mastered this system.  I never did test well.

OSKRI WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I am new to the protein bar, diet bar, craze that now takes up 1/2 of an entire aisle at Gelson's (http://www.gelsons.com/), Whole Foods (http://www.wholefoodsmarket.com/) and even Ralph's (http://www.ralphs.com) and seems to be the food of choice for the skinny people in L.A. that are bent on staying that way. 


I grabbed MYFIRSTBAR impulsively out of a box at the checkout counter at Whole Foods the day before another vile temp job was about to commence.  Proper feeding is difficult to attain on TRAINING DAY at a high end law firm.


It's the day for nasty, bottom feeding associates who never have anyone listen to them talk bask in their own insecure narcissism at the expense of anyone within 12 feet of them.  They take center stage and proceed to bore the death out of a group of equally educated but scum of the earth (in their eyes) contract attorneys.


So, on the first day, one of the afore-mentioned, who was clearly bullied as a child, had been windbagging it straight for about 3 hours. No break was in sight.  I remembered MYFIRSTBAR was in my bag.  Tried to avoid the paper crinkling noise as I opened it beneath the conference table, waited patiently for the windbagger to become animated about some idiotic and insignificant part of the case, broke/bent a little piece off a the OSKRI COCONUT BAR (http://www.oskri.com/) and frankly...it was a little wet. 

Weird.  But I had to eat it.  I was starving.  We all were.  Heads were sagging, eyes were drooping after sweeping the clock.  My new mission was to sneak it into my mouth, which I did.  And with great joy.  It tastes like the coconut inside a MOUNDS bar!!!!! My favorite candy bar!!!!  

Yay, Oskri.  BUT.  I didn't eat the whole bar just then.  I wrapped the other half up in the remaining wrapper and went for it again on day two.  OSKRI!!!!! It was hard as a rock. 

Guys, you gotta fix that.  My colleagues were drooling for a taste and all went to buy these bars. UNTASTED - after my review of it!  I just don't want to hear the complaints...

 Final Thought for The Day

I want to develop a new habit. I'd like to throw out an opinion in this spot, let it percolate and then explore it more next:  Lots of people don't have sex.  And it isn't because it isn't available.  THEY DON'T WANT TO.